IELTSのライティング添削7回目

IELTSのライティングの添削は7回目になりましたが(毎週土曜日に提出しています)、今回Task Response(問われていることに対しきちんとロジカルに論じているか)の項が初めてレベル8と評価されました。まあ、全体は6.5ですが、これは私の語彙レベルとか文法レベルの問題でこれ以上はそう簡単にはスコアは上げられないです。ただ、Task Responseは非ネイティブとしてはまあ十分だと思います。今回これでいい評価になったのは、今回7回目で、問題が一巡して同じパターンの問題が出たので、前回の同じパターンの模範解答を参照して、ほぼそれと同じ構成で書いたからです。以下が問題と解答です。添削した後のものです。(語数:305)

なお、解答中に出てくる具体例の数字などはほぼフェイクです。試験では引用が正確かどうかという点は採点されません。なので自分で適当なフェイク事例をでっち上げればそれでOKです。

G. In many countries, the government prioritizes economic growth above all other concerns.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your own opinion.

The governments of many nations in the world set economic development targets above all other targets. While such a policy may accelerate the destruction of the environment, this essay argues that it can improve the standard of living of people and that overrides the demerit.
(まず、問われている内容を自分の言葉でパラフレーズします。そしてネガティブな面とポジティブな面を両方挙げ、このエッセイでどちらを支持するのかを書きます。)

One of the main drawbacks is that rapid economic growth is often accompanied by the destruction of the environment. In order to build necessary infrastructure, trees are cut down, seas are reclaimed, and mountains are excavated. An increase in the number of factories may cause serious pollution of air, water, and of soil. While Japan’s growth in Gross National Product (GNP) increased by a factor of 7.6 from 1954 to 1973, the number of complaints about pollution also jumped from 235 to 3,567 during that period. However, this essay insists that economic growth gives people better lives and it can offset the disadvantage.
(まずネガティブな面の方を具体例を入れて論じ、しかし最後にポジティブな面でネガティブな面は相殺されると述べます。)

The main benefit of economic growth for people in a country is that it can surely improve their standard of living. Economic expansion brings more profits to companies in the country so that they can pay higher wages to their employees. Due to increased income, people can live in better residences, eat more nutritious food, and enjoy some hobbies. The overall improvement of life can cause expanded longevity and a decreased death rate. For example, while Indonesia showed an average 6% economic growth from 1991 to 2005, the infant death rate decreased from 6.8% to 3.4% during the same period. This can dramatically improve the satisfaction of people and any government should take this seriously above all else.
(ポジティブな面を具体例を入れて詳細に論じます。最後にもう一度問われていることへの自分の考えをしっかり書きます。)

To conclude, the main disadvantage for a country of prioritizing economic growth is the destruction of the environment. However, this essay insists that economic development gives people better lives and satisfaction so that the disadvantage can be overridden.
(結論として、再度ポジティブとネガティブな面を挙げ、ポジティブが優るとします。)